TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The
one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Willie, name one important
thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with
"I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right...
"I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: "Can anybody
give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
The wife was busy frying eggs when her husband came
home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling...
"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN
THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY
UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"
The wife was very upset,
"What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replied, "This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next
to me..."
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with
a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that
the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant
checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful,
and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs
the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly
whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the
co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention,
together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class
section isn't going to LA."
Rattlesnake
Farm
A
young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road. After
seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed
the young woman. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes,
on rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "what do you do when you're
bitten by a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I
make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh...what would happen
if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake
handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."
